Your Brain On Conservatism
Sometimes conservative quantum weirdness has to be sought out, like an epidemiologist looking for a rare strain of virulent influenza among the numerous common colds that make up the normal expectorations of the Rightwing Noise Machine.  But sometimes it literally rolls right up to you.  Which is exactly what happened to me at a recent protest against the Koch Brothers and their tireless efforts to usher in the 19th century on the North American continent.

FOX NEWS "personality' [sic] Andy "The Angry Clown" Breitbart rollerbladed his unshaven face up to mine as I was peacefully going about my business of hurling rhetorical spitballs at the Kochs.  All that was missing was the funny pants and red nose.  It was one of the most perfect examples of conservative quantum weirdness since Dick Cheney shot one of his financial backers in the face.  (if you forgot that wonderful incident see Buckshot And Jesus)

The occasion was at the annual “grassroots” gathering of plutocrats hosted by the Kochs, held last month in beautiful Rancho Mirage California, the nouveau richer exburb of the nouveau-rich-enough Palm Springs.  By the way, only the Tea Party and its backers could possible label a gathering of billionaires as “grassroots” with a straight face – a form of wondrous quantum weirdness in itself.

 About a thousand protesters were practicing their First Amendment right to show displeasure at their government being bought by two ill-tempered siblings who look like they are spokesmen for the denture industry.  When suddenly, marvelously, up sails Breitbart, rollerblading in front of the crowd like Drew Barrymore in “Whip It” (if Drew were an overweight middle-aged rightwing talkshow host), along with his faceless fawning amanuensis and apparent videographer.  

I would call him an agent provocateur were he not so comically unprovocative.  After flinging as many rightwing memes at the crowd that a man on wheels could safely carry, he somehow got into an altercation with me.  I think it had to do with the fact that I said it’s hard to take a Fox News personality seriously, on rollerskates or otherwise.

 His response was to insist that I prove that the Tea Party and the Koch Brothers were racists.  I felt it my duty to point out that the challenge was objectionable, being compound.  In any case, I asked if he could prove that conservatives on rollerblade looked stupid. 

 Irrepressible, the obnoxious commedia dell arte character moved on, trolling for other encounters for his traveling freakshow.  The best part was, inevitably, as if in response to some universal sense of justice, he later stumbled and fell on his ass.   Then he invited everybody to the local Applebee’s (apparently as part of an endorsement agreement or just bad taste in food – hard to tell which).

 I think the lesson is obvious: conservatives should not do political theater on anything that rolls and requires the concentration of the mind.



Iz Anders
03/01/2011 3:36pm

The real question is how did that fat tub of lard getup after falling down.

03/23/2011 10:55am

Breitbart is scrapping the bottom of the barrell of rightwing talking heads. And that's saying something.


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